What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
