That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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