quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
