I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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