turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
