batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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