Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
