Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
