Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That accounts for only three of the penises
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
