trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
