Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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