I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
