don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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