You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm at about main and main street
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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