Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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