That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
