Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
