the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
