I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
