Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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