So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
