just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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