why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
