I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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