I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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