The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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