yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
