it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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