Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
