wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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