the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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