Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We were destined to go to rehab together
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
