i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
