My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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