Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
