What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
