Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
