I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
