i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
