He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
