be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
