i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
it was like having sex with a tree stump
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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