The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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