my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
