hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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