Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
