It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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