I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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