beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
