My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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