I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
