i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
