I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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