Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
