Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
