First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
